The Odd Couple II (1998)
Jack Lemmon: Felix Ungar
Sheriff : Okay, now explain to me one more time how the rental car caught fire and exploded.
Oscar Madison : He called me a shithead and punched the car, it went rolling down a cliff.
Sheriff : Why did you punch the car?
Felix Ungar : Because the shithead threw the directions out the window and left my suitcase at the rental car agency.
Sheriff : Why did you throw the directions out the window?
Oscar Madison : Because they caught fire from my cigar ashes and were burning on my crotch!
Felix Ungar : The first time he's been hot down there for years.
Oscar Madison : I just wanted you to know what it felt like down there...
Sheriff : OK, boys, settle down. You two don't get along too well, do you?
Oscar Madison : Oh, that's not true. There was a period of 17 years that was wonderful. Then unfortunately we saw each other again.
Sheriff : And who did you say was getting married?
Felix Ungar : My daughter and his son.
[the Sheriff and all the deputies have to swallow a laugh]
Felix Ungar : Oscar, of all the fights that we've ever had, of all the arguments that we've ever had...
Oscar Madison : We can continue talking because he's going to be on this for a half-hour.
Felix Ungar : Of all the times that I've wanted to choke you by the throat, this is the worst! If you say "trifecta" one more time, I'm going to choke you until you are dead, and then that man can arrest me one more time for one more crime one more time in his office, AND HE'S GONNA HAVE A FOURFECTA! SO YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP, DO YOU HEAR ME?
Oscar Madison : I think you can get a fourfecta in Cuba, but it's a cigar.
Felix Ungar : Where's my suitcase?
Oscar Madison : Your suitcase? In the trunk.
Felix Ungar : No.
Oscar Madison : No?
Felix Ungar : No.
Oscar Madison : Did you look good?
Felix Ungar : [holds his arms apart] The trunk is this big. It takes about a second and a half to look in there. Your 1927 piece of cardboard is in there, but my suitcase isn't.
Felix Ungar : What do the directions say?
Oscar Madison : They're gone, I threw them out the window.
Felix Ungar : [laughing] Oh, you threw them out the window... you threw them out the window? What the hell made you do a stupid thing like that?
Oscar Madison : Well, I had them on my lap so I could read them. I lit my cigar, the hot ashes fell on my crotch, the map caught fire. I had the choice of either finding the house, or burning up one of the most important parts of my body. Guess which I picked?
Oscar Madison : Don't get physical with me, Felix! I'm too old to hit, but I can spit you to death!
Felix Ungar : In that suitcase was my black formal afternoon suit that I bought to wear when I'm giving my daughter away in marriage. And in that suitcase was a $6,000 Tiffany silver tray that I bought as a wedding present. Oh, and in that suitcase was $10,000 in cash that I was going to give to my son-in-law on his wedding day. Now, in your suitcase, the police are going to find your broken, smashed, mutilated, and dissected body in the event that you don't go back and find my fucking suitcase!
Sheriff : Why did you take his toupee?
Felix Ungar : We didn't! A truck whizzed by and blew it off, huh?
Oscar Madison : Yeah. I tried to get it back. A bird sat on it, I shooed him, and he flew away with the hairpiece.
Sheriff : You shot him? You had a gun?
Oscar Madison : No, no, not shot him, I shooed him. "Shoo, shoo!" Then a hunter shot him, the bird fell on top of the car, and the hairpiece fell on the windshield. I hope there's not gonna be a trial, because I'd hate to repeat that story in court.
Felix Ungar : [Getting angry at Oscar] I want to know one thing: Why, when you get around me, you start to behave like a goddamn, imbecilic, idiotic, totally moronic shithead?
Oscar Madison : Was it San Marino?
Felix Ungar : Not San Marino, maybe San Quentino.
Oscar Madison : Not San Quentino, San Sorina.
Felix Ungar : No not San Sorina.
Oscar Madison : San Mateo. San Clemente. Roberto Clemente.
Felix Ungar : Sancho Pancho. Pancho Gonzales.
Oscar Madison : Ferrando Lamas, Ricardo Montalban.
Felix Ungar : Ricky Ricardo!
Felix Ungar : Los Pintos, Los Bresis, Los Picos. Sound familiar?
Oscar Madison : Yeah they're hotels in Aucopoco.
Felix Ungar : Ha ha! Look a car has to come from some direction. I'm gonna go stand on the other side of the road.
Oscar Madison : So we can catch all the heavy traffic at five o'clock at Los Picos.
Felix Ungar : Got a better idea, Los Idiot?
Oscar Madison : OK, Felix, make out a timetable: when you're gonna eat, when you're gonna pee, when you're gonna fart, when you're gonna cry, and when you're gonna sleep, because that's the last time I'm pulling off the freeway, ya hear?
Felix Ungar : Oh, and I suppose you never have to pee, huh?
Oscar Madison : I do it for a half hour in the morning, then I'm through for the day.
[Felix and Oscar are sprayed by a crop dusting airplane]
Felix Ungar : What the hell was that?
Oscar Madison : They purposely did it. They hate New Yorkers.
Felix Ungar : Who's going to pick us up now? We look like a couple of Pillsbury Doughboys.
Oscar Madison : Well we'd better get out of the sun before we start to rise.
Oscar Madison : The wick is almost out, Felix. All I want is for the candle to glow one last time rather than curse the darkness.
Felix Ungar : It's not going out, Oscar, not yours and not mine. But I still have hope that somewhere out there we'll find the right lamplighter.
Oscar Madison : You know, we just used so many metaphors I forgot what the hell we were talking about.
Felix Ungar : What freeway are we supposed to be on?
Oscar Madison : The 405.
Felix Ungar : I think that sign back there said 101.
Oscar Madison : If you didn't have the brains to pee back at the airport, how could you possibly read that sign?
Felix Ungar : Reading and peeing are two different things!
Oscar Madison : At your age you're lucky you can do either one.
[In the middle of the desert]
Oscar Madison : Look instead of complaining, why don't you look around for a telephone.
Felix Ungar : What the hell makes you think there'd be a telephone anywhere out here? This is probably where they test those nuclear bombs.
Oscar Madison : Well they would have to call somebody to find out if they went off wouldn't they?
Oscar Madison : Felix, I haven't seen you in what, 8, 9 years?
Felix Ungar : Seventeen! Seventeen years, Oscar, you couldn't remember that we haven't seen each other for seventeen years?
Oscar Madison : To tell you the truth I didn't dwell on it. Alright, seventeen years, so your hair got whiter, your ears got bigger, your nose got longer, but you still retain that unique, elusive pain in the ass quality that drives me berserk.
Felix Ungar : Oh really?
Felix Ungar : We'd better call Budget and have them fax us another car.
Felix Ungar : Never count me out until the fat lady divorces me!
Felix Ungar : I'm not going back with you, Oscar, I'm moving in with Lise for a few days.
Oscar Madison : Lise?
Felix Ungar : Felise, she likes it when I call her that.
Oscar Madison : What does she call you, Lix?
Felix Ungar : Anyway, I'm moving to San Fran with her.
Oscar Madison : Lise? Lix? San Fran? What the hell is going on?
[Felix and Oscar are arrested and having to sit before the sheriff a second time around]
Sheriff : So the man is dead, and you have his wallet, riding in an antique car that's worth over $150,000. How do you think this looks?
Oscar Madison : To you it looks terrible. My mother, she wouldn't be all that upset.
Felix Ungar : Look, we didn't murder him and we didn't rob him. Now, you believed us before, so why don't you believe us now?
Sheriff : Because I didn't expect the two of you to keep bouncing back in here like a beachball.
Sheriff : [to Felix and Oscar about to leave from having been released on their second arrest] If I see you two back in here under arrest again, then I seriously will charge you with disturbing the law!
Felix Ungar : Don't you mean "disturbing the peace"?
Sheriff : No, it's only the law you're disturbing.
[Felix and Oscar have just been arrested and are having to face the sheriff for a third time, who is horrified about the circumstance]
Felix Ungar : So, do you even want to talk about it?
Sheriff : No.
Felix Ungar : Ever?
Sheriff : What's the point? It seems like no matter what I say, you two still end up in here.
Oscar Madison : [looking over at the sheriff's deputy] Would it be possible to get the results of a race at Santa Anita? I got a trifecta going.
Sheriff's Deputy : A what?
Oscar Madison : A trifecta. It is where you pick the three winning horses in order from start to finish.
Felix Ungar : You are unbelievable. We have a wedding we cannot get to, and all he's got in his mind is a trifecta.
Sheriff : I'll tell you who won.
Oscar Madison : You know?
Sheriff : Yes! I won. Don't you see? You're my trifecta. The same two men have been arrested three different times and all three times by my men. Do you know what the odds are of that happening?
Oscar Madison : I would say roughly 12 million to one.
Sheriff : And what would it be if it were to happen in a little town called Santa Menandez, California?
Oscar Madison : It would be in the trillions. No bookie could handle it.